Stranger

I look in the mirror as if I was a stranger, maybe because all I see is a person I don’t know. There is only one thing I know about this person, and that is she hasn’t cleaned her drawers in a long time, I have left all the childlike memories scrambled beneath the fear—papers of her made-up timeline of expectations that are still not met. I am beautiful but only in the strangest way. I feel so much it drags me over all the hills, but even knowing my courage, I am a stranger. What does it take for me to see her, no to see me? She cries in front of me, making me feel guilty for leaving her alone, but I must. What can I do she doesn’t have anywhere to go, how can I abandon her? I wish she would just let me be. She is my excuse for choosing to live in my isolation; I use her. 

I laugh while tears stream down, she grabs my arm so tightly it hurts to let go. I tell her I am scared, it doesn’t look like she can understand at first glance, but when I look in her eyes, she has seen fear straight on and faced it. That is why she can smile with pure bliss; little does she know the older she gets the fear grows with her. I try telling her, but she won’t listen. She doesn’t know that she will become a stranger, for someday I will forget who she was. I am tired of her knocking on my door. I pace wondering do I even dare to let her in, if I do will she ever leave?

Why must she be so persistent? I can’t and won’t let you in no matter how much comfort you give me by drowning me at the same time. I scream so many times she covers her ears. She doesn’t like noise all that much; I rather have noise; it covers the harsh silence of it all. Am I just enough? Can I do this? Oh, Dear Lord, where are you?

This is my reality; this is a glimpse of what lives in my mind; it stays dormant like a virus; it choices when to affect me. You want to know what I am like when others aren’t around well here it is. I am transparent because that is what truth is. So, let me introduce myself, I am scared, but no worries I will no longer be a stranger. God, you know where to find me. I will keep looking in the mirror to find out.