To Love Alone

Seconds pass me with each time I hold my breath; it is the heaviness within my light breath that encompasses the love I share with pity. I sit and sit on each opportunity as if it is just a feeling and not a gift. For my greatest fear is to love alone.  I choose pride over being proud. It is easiest to blame love for being the enemy, but really, I am. When I see love, I want it to feel the same pain I do. I live for the brokenness of love that has walked right past me frankly; they deserve it. “Jealousy is the green-eyed monster” Shakespeare said in Othello. I let my attitude consume me.

I have not been faithful to myself; I keep myself hidden because I have kept myself in hiding all my life. When I love something to an enormous magnitude, I run with it and never want to let it go. It is because I feel safe in the fact that it will not leave me. So, I must love alone because it is what I have always known. There are so many times that I have forgotten that I am loved more then I can ever dream. I commit the worse sin by not letting God forgive me because I am so prideful. Each time my emotions come to devour me , I sit and try to punish myself for being me because all my life being in the medical world, I have been looked at and told there is something wrong with me. Instead of deciding to say to myself that my health and being Noah are two different things, I have kept them together. 

I am who I am, and I am learning to accept everything about me. Because God loves me, I also should love me, for I must love alone, until I am ready to love someone else.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8